I want us to have children together.  

We believe we will.

I only bring this up because today is the anniversary of Kelly's hospitalization that terminated our first attempt at having children together.  It's very painful for her at different times so I try not to talk about it, so much so that if I could block her from seeing this I would.  But I haven't gotten the system down yet so I can't.

Sometimes, I've felt the need to talk about these issues.  I remember last year, especially when we were back at the house waiting for her to heal so that she could go back for one final surgery, I felt a little alone.  I don't know if I can articulate it better than that but I felt that way nonetheless.  Kelly's oldest daughter blamed me for her condition that she was in and though in some way I dismissed that assertion, I still felt responsible sometimes.

One of the home visit nurses (there were a few so I can't remember names) talked to both of us one day about the mental processes we were going through with this surgery and proceedures she was experiencing (ostomy bag being changed daily, TPN for food, reactions to anti-biotics, etc).  She was going through so much back then, it was mind-boggleing and surreal at the same time.  I didn't even feel anything about myself most of the time, I was just on automatic pilot, helping her how I could.  I felt inadequate at times in this endeavor as she was going through so much.  I guess in reality I felt helpless because I was not a doctor or a professional, someone who could prescribe her real relief.  So I did what I could.

I was her home-care nurse and was shown in the hospital how to change her bags and care for her skin.  It was yucky business, let me tell you.  But, I was lucky that it was not me.  I pray it never is.

On this occasion I spoke of about the home visit nurse, I expressed to her that throught this whole affair, there wasn't really anyone for me to lean on or talk to about how I feel - tired, mad, frustrated, etc.  I only expressed that once because in truth, even if I did have someone to talk to about those types of emotions and feelings regarding this terrible thing Kelly was going through, I probably would not have taken them up on it.  I think I needed that one time to say something about it.

Kelly got very frustrated with me one night and it turned out to be the worst night of our relationship.  I really don't want to talk about it even now but let's just say that it was a night that had me thinking about leaving the house, not her....I think both of us acted rather badly that night but we also recovered too.  People can certainly act like asses both when they're sick and even when they're taking care of the sick.  That's important to know, to keep in the back of your mind.

I always though at the end of the day, know that this illness and recovery that Kelly went through was good for both of us and our relationship.  It help solidify in her mind that I wasn't some fly-by-night person who only wanted to be with her when things were going right and for me, it helped me solidify just how much I loved and cared for her.  I ALMOST cried a couple of times and even when we talk about that whole period , there are certain episodes that bring me to an emotional cliff that I do not want to fall over.  I either must be getting old or am a sappy in love husband.  I'm glad I'm both.

Lastly,  alot of people assumed we were married during that period - a common mistake given that I was always around and acted as if I were, though that word "acted" is so incorrect.  I mean, I never said in my mind "I'm going to act" like I'm married to Kelly".  We both said from the beginning to the most important people that I was her fiancee'  but others assumed we were married and we were both okay with that. 

I didn't believe then that she really felt deeply about me.  I know now that I was wrong about that. 

She just couldn't express it because of the things she was going through:   The pain filled nights, her body itching uncontrollably, her negative reactions to the drugs and the breathing therapies and the swelling and the infections in her pelvic region and the open wound that allowed you to witness the peristalsis (andulating, snake like movement) of her intestine that was exposed.  The seraing pain of closing up her wound or pulling out the drain tubes from her pelvis.  These memories of pain and suffering that she went through are forever etched in both of our minds, her's more intense as she experienced them in the first person, mine more distant. 

Through it all, the 40 plus days in the hospital and the 4 week plus recovery period at home, I grew to be regarded as her companion and husband even before we could realistically set a date.  The more amazing and grateful thing for me is that through all of this, she loved me back.  That is something that can never be taken for granted.

There's more to the story but I have to go for now.