okay!!!

My wife and I had a big fight this past weekend.  It involved a lot of things:  kids, ex-wife, non-communication, plans made and broken, you name it.  It was volatile to say the least.  Not good at all.

 

This wasn’t the first time we had an explosive outburst of feelings, words and emotions along with some other things, but this was the first time where it escalated to a point of seemingly no return, on both of our parts.  But I also caution myself and the reader to underline the word seemingly.

 

Both of us have been married before, to people who by our accounts, should have been nothing more than stopping points on the way to finding each other and instead, they were constants or albatrosses or both.  I think in a way, we both hate each other (not literally but are hugely disappointed) for not being in each other’s life earlier and at times, we take it out on each other, without that being the surface.

 

***

 

From time to time, she more than me say to one another, “It’s okay…I’m here now.  It’s over”.

 

This weekend, as much as we fought, I think we both opened each other’s eyes to what was legend and what was not, to what was real and permanent and what was not, to disappointment and heartache but also to healing and reconciliation.  I think we both survived this weekend because of that and I thank her immensely.

 

***

 

I was always a hopeless romantic growing up.  I read the Legend of King Arthur and adored the idyllic setting and narrative of Camelot and all the players.  I imagined myself King Arthur, with his round table of knights, pledged to carry out the mantles of goodness and all that is right within the idealized kingdom.  The Legend of King Arthur made him such a tragic figure, being raised by not his mother, seduced by his sister and finally finding and loving the woman of his dreams, only to be betrayed by his most beloved knight, Lancelot.  I didn’t see this as a child reading this very grown novel disguised as proper reading for pre-teens, but Lancelot being King Arthur’s most beloved and trusted knight was the problem right there.  He seemed at times to love him more than his wife, opening a door for Lancelot.  As a pre-teen, there is absolutely no way for you to connect what you read and what real life as an adult will bring you.

 

My real point about this story is that I think I’ve lived my whole life with a veil over my eyes regarding how love works, sometimes how life works.  I’ve always wanted to believe in the faithful, in the chaste and true and my experiences have taught me, without me wanting to listen, that these notions are not how life necessarily goes.  And mind you, sometimes we are hypocrites, believing in things in our mind but not necessarily carrying those beliefs out all the time.  I am a true example of this. 

 

And yet, life does indeed go on which is another hard lesson to listen to sometimes.  People mess up (I certainly did this past weekend and prior to that and have the possibility of doing so in the future).  But there are levels and measures of failure and judgment that we must come to grips with if we are to move forward.  If every time someone does something catastrophic and you decide to end it all:  the relationship, the connections, your life – then you will have very little to hold on to in life, especially if you do the latter.  Your life too, in a way becomes irrelevant and I believe we all are very much relevant.

 

I saw a movie where a female character was asked why she wanted to be married or why she stayed married and she replied “So I could be his witness”.  I think that’s what we all want, a person that fulfills the definition of OUR witness. 

 

Each of us defines for ourselves who that person is and how we want them to be, but the truth is each of us are individuals and must live according to how we see fit.  My wife keeps telling me this and I think up to this point, I kept ignoring her regarding that.  Not on purpose mind you, but nonetheless.  Universally, I believe we should try very hard  not to physically and mentally hurt people around us and in our lives but sometimes, that happens too.

 

The measure of a person’s life must be looked at in total, not at a snapshot of unwise judgment or a fit of anger, other wise most of us might find ourselves without anyone to witness our lives.  And this idea extends to the workplace, casual friendships and personal loving relationships.  It’s all the same.

 

So the myth of Camelot is not real nor is it how it really works and in a small way, I lament that because it’s a nice myth to tell around the campfire, or when you’re young and impressionable.  But it also is a tragic story and on top of all of that, historically speaking, King Arthur was not a real person but an amalgamation of several people or maybe none.  The legend was created to give people hope at a time where illiteracy and storytelling was the thing to be and do.

 

I think that it’s time to let go of old myths and start being a true witness to our own lives.